Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
