i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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