The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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