Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
