I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
