The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
