Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
