no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
