chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
