i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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