You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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