You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
