are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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