I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
