he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
