My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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