I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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