I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
