In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
