Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
