I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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