Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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