when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
