All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
