I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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