Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
