I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I could make wine with my vomit
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
