I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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