My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
