i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
