Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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