I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Randomize
