i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
