I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
