Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
