I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
