I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
