dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
