I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I AM VODKA MAN
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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