Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
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