So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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