Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
