Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
