but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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