Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
