if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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