Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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