Betty ford says i'm here all night
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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