This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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