I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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