Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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